Friday, January 20, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
WOW?
Well yesterday was my daughter's birthday. Dont know where 34 years went but she is 34 now...yet I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Who was there, and who was being an asshole. Nope didn't do politics then either. Who wasn't there was my family, none of them. They had their own lives and I wasn't a part of it then and not now either.
Marriage was somewhere down the list, wasn't top since most of the guys I knew then cared only about getting drunk. Yes I did drink, but dont anymore. Did a lot of things I would rather forget then have burned in my brain as stuff everyone needs to remember. I had one real friend, the rest were just folks I knew or were related to by blood. None of them cared if I lived. died or fell off the planet! Those you can weed out pretty quickly or just have them hang around for a laugh. Judy was the only one that would listen without passing judgement on how dumb or stupid what I did was. My family were not around unless they were the center of attention, and everyone knows a baby changes everything. And when I had Rhonda it did change everything. Now I had to take care of another person, I was all she had! Her father, to this day claims "She's not my kid". You would think he would remember spending the night in his mother's driveway in the freezing cold with me. Guess to him it wasn't important enough. If I could take that night back would I? no...then I wouldn't have the one person in the world I can say I love with my whole heart. She wasn't planned but she did change my world.
Learned exactly how my mother thought it should be. She tried for months to get to have an abortion, did I do that? HELL NO! Did she tell anyone? nope, she didn't want anyone to know I was her daughter as it was. How could she tell all her "beano buddies" she had no kids if I was her daughter? How could she screw around on Bill, her husband, if she couldn't feel free to do that in front of me? Yes I turned my back to not see it but it was there. She even tried to fix me up with the guy's son, oh yeah a REAL winner. Even had her show up with her friend to use my bed, guess she respected me in another life because it sure wasn't this one.
Being a parent to a child that needed medical attention was hard. You feel like god punished you for doing something bad, but what the hell could I have done to deserve this? It's not something I did, it was genetics, not from me but from her father who was born with the same condition but "forgot" to tell me when I questioned him. How does one forget they had club feet, yes he had both, Rhonda had just one. The many times of walking the halls with her in my arms so she would sleep were burned in my memory. Surgeons that sorta cared if the state was paying the bills this month. I didn't have medical insurance then and I still dont. I made a HUGE mistake by going to the Shriners. It's the one thing I wish I could take back, one promise after another was broken yet I tried to make it work. We will help you, guess either I wasn't cute enough or because I wouldn't put out I got nothing. They did take care of her medical bills for surgery after surgery after surgery if I could get her there. It was only 400 miles away, no way to walk and taking a bus with a baby was one of those have you lost your mind things. So I begged my friends to help. A few did, most didn't have time or couldn't afford to drive that far. Was not a fun time but it was a time.
Marriage was somewhere down the list, wasn't top since most of the guys I knew then cared only about getting drunk. Yes I did drink, but dont anymore. Did a lot of things I would rather forget then have burned in my brain as stuff everyone needs to remember. I had one real friend, the rest were just folks I knew or were related to by blood. None of them cared if I lived. died or fell off the planet! Those you can weed out pretty quickly or just have them hang around for a laugh. Judy was the only one that would listen without passing judgement on how dumb or stupid what I did was. My family were not around unless they were the center of attention, and everyone knows a baby changes everything. And when I had Rhonda it did change everything. Now I had to take care of another person, I was all she had! Her father, to this day claims "She's not my kid". You would think he would remember spending the night in his mother's driveway in the freezing cold with me. Guess to him it wasn't important enough. If I could take that night back would I? no...then I wouldn't have the one person in the world I can say I love with my whole heart. She wasn't planned but she did change my world.
Learned exactly how my mother thought it should be. She tried for months to get to have an abortion, did I do that? HELL NO! Did she tell anyone? nope, she didn't want anyone to know I was her daughter as it was. How could she tell all her "beano buddies" she had no kids if I was her daughter? How could she screw around on Bill, her husband, if she couldn't feel free to do that in front of me? Yes I turned my back to not see it but it was there. She even tried to fix me up with the guy's son, oh yeah a REAL winner. Even had her show up with her friend to use my bed, guess she respected me in another life because it sure wasn't this one.
Being a parent to a child that needed medical attention was hard. You feel like god punished you for doing something bad, but what the hell could I have done to deserve this? It's not something I did, it was genetics, not from me but from her father who was born with the same condition but "forgot" to tell me when I questioned him. How does one forget they had club feet, yes he had both, Rhonda had just one. The many times of walking the halls with her in my arms so she would sleep were burned in my memory. Surgeons that sorta cared if the state was paying the bills this month. I didn't have medical insurance then and I still dont. I made a HUGE mistake by going to the Shriners. It's the one thing I wish I could take back, one promise after another was broken yet I tried to make it work. We will help you, guess either I wasn't cute enough or because I wouldn't put out I got nothing. They did take care of her medical bills for surgery after surgery after surgery if I could get her there. It was only 400 miles away, no way to walk and taking a bus with a baby was one of those have you lost your mind things. So I begged my friends to help. A few did, most didn't have time or couldn't afford to drive that far. Was not a fun time but it was a time.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I didn't do it :)
What did I do today? watched tv, played wizard 101 and treasure isle on facebook. Nope not an exciting day but it did do one thing.... I stayed warmed in the house :)
I was planning on going out for supper, but no one would have been there and what good is a birthday dinner alone? So I stayed home....again.....watching tv Hankmed isn't all that great the 4th time you've seen the same episode. The guy that claimed he was "gonna be in town" didn't show up either, like most men in my life they all LIE! So I sent him a message thanks for what you did and left it at that. Think he might figure it out? nope.
My daughter forgot, most of my friends forgot, even hubby forgot again. So from this day forth screw it no more birthdays. I must be more forgettable than I guessed. It's ok I'll live. Never had a birthday party in my life, guess I didn't miss much there either. Just makes me wonder why everyone tells me their birthday and expects me to make them something and when I dont or can't because my hands are hurting they complain. I try to make gifts like wooden pens or a book cover with a picture on it. If my hands are going nuts swelling or just not being able to feel them at all I will do it. Those few that realize how much actual work goes into what they get makes them choke on not saying thank you. I learned a long time ago dont expect anything and your feelings wont get hurt.
Tomorrow is another day, I'll get some stuff done. Starting with cutting up a deer leg, my first time with that but I got some tips from my sister. I'll play some of my games I play everyday and do pooper scooper, nope I didn't do that at 35 degrees this morning....I know that was bad to skip but I REALLY hate cold. Goal for tomorrow, get the leg cut in half, get it soaking. Cook a pie with dehydrated apple slices that are strawberry flavored. My first time with that too. If I'm up for it I'll go clean the front porch off from the odd leaves that flew in over the past week. Till tomorrow.....
I was planning on going out for supper, but no one would have been there and what good is a birthday dinner alone? So I stayed home....again.....watching tv Hankmed isn't all that great the 4th time you've seen the same episode. The guy that claimed he was "gonna be in town" didn't show up either, like most men in my life they all LIE! So I sent him a message thanks for what you did and left it at that. Think he might figure it out? nope.
My daughter forgot, most of my friends forgot, even hubby forgot again. So from this day forth screw it no more birthdays. I must be more forgettable than I guessed. It's ok I'll live. Never had a birthday party in my life, guess I didn't miss much there either. Just makes me wonder why everyone tells me their birthday and expects me to make them something and when I dont or can't because my hands are hurting they complain. I try to make gifts like wooden pens or a book cover with a picture on it. If my hands are going nuts swelling or just not being able to feel them at all I will do it. Those few that realize how much actual work goes into what they get makes them choke on not saying thank you. I learned a long time ago dont expect anything and your feelings wont get hurt.
Tomorrow is another day, I'll get some stuff done. Starting with cutting up a deer leg, my first time with that but I got some tips from my sister. I'll play some of my games I play everyday and do pooper scooper, nope I didn't do that at 35 degrees this morning....I know that was bad to skip but I REALLY hate cold. Goal for tomorrow, get the leg cut in half, get it soaking. Cook a pie with dehydrated apple slices that are strawberry flavored. My first time with that too. If I'm up for it I'll go clean the front porch off from the odd leaves that flew in over the past week. Till tomorrow.....
Friday, January 13, 2012
My Daughter and Grandson
This is my daughter, Rhonda and her oldest son Michael.
winter
My ole bones really hate this cold. Seems like each winter it hurts more and more. And I spend less and less time outside....well someone has to do pooper scooper patrol, don't they?
The days are short, and the cold makes it seem like all I wanna do is get under the covers!
Must have been a genius that figured out how to make a blanket warm no matter how cold it was.
I would love to shake that man's hand and thank him for keep my toes from turning that crazy shade of blue!
This spring I'll have tons to blog about, from fixing the hall ceiling to installing insulation in the back bedroom and lets not forget putting sheetrock up! I am sorta looking forward to that but the pain it will cause my arms is a horse of a different color! I'll get thru it somehow, just wait and see.
Well that is what the ceiling looked like in the hall. It got repaired, sorta. Yes there is sheet rock up there, and it's now insulated too. So that is a small plus on my side. Wasn't as hot in here last summer and this winter is colder than last year but the gas bill hasn't been much higher. Yes I'm putting the higher cost in the equation. But I'm the stupid one.....remember this.
The days are short, and the cold makes it seem like all I wanna do is get under the covers!
Must have been a genius that figured out how to make a blanket warm no matter how cold it was.
I would love to shake that man's hand and thank him for keep my toes from turning that crazy shade of blue!
This spring I'll have tons to blog about, from fixing the hall ceiling to installing insulation in the back bedroom and lets not forget putting sheetrock up! I am sorta looking forward to that but the pain it will cause my arms is a horse of a different color! I'll get thru it somehow, just wait and see.
Well that is what the ceiling looked like in the hall. It got repaired, sorta. Yes there is sheet rock up there, and it's now insulated too. So that is a small plus on my side. Wasn't as hot in here last summer and this winter is colder than last year but the gas bill hasn't been much higher. Yes I'm putting the higher cost in the equation. But I'm the stupid one.....remember this.
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