Where to start.... when I'm moved to Alabama I had this idea that things were better here, no freezing my butt off for months. Winter is the time of year they slam holidays in, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. In my case my birthday and wedding anniversary.
Care to take a guess which one gets celebrated? Keep guessing.... unless you talk to me alot you would never know the answer to that.
Now I did not pick the day we were going to get married, dummy picked it. He wanted it close to another day he said was "too painful for me to celebrate", my Daughter's birthday. You would think since he picked the day he would remember, right? WRONG! He has remembered a total of one time, the day we got married and never again. Why is it my job to remember for him? Is it a day you'd like to forget? or a day you wished had never happened? I dunno the answer to that since I'm not a model train and that's all he thinks about. Used to be work and model trains only he dont work anymore.
I'm not sure where I went wrong but this isnt the life I dreamed of, more like the next chapter in a never ending nitemare. How do the bills get paid? who takes care of the house? who takes care of things that are broken? Holidays? see they are WAY at the bottom of the list if they are even ON the list. Romance? not gonna happen unless I have an affair, which aint gonna happen. If you even think you know me, trust me you really dont. I'm more likely to be sitting at the house, doing what needs to be done than to be out having fun....fun? what's that? I dont get that anymore either. I get what I can get by with and shut the hell up. Got tired of the screaming fights after the second woman called and had to tell me all about fucking my husband while I was at work.
Sometimes sharing things like that hurt someone else, in this case it hurt me. Did he once say he was sorry? are you on drugs? he has never said that to me EVER! If you think that calling the wife and telling her what her husband likes in bed will change things, here's a clue, you'll be done and he might have a place to live if he's lucky.
You'd expect when you tell someone "I love you" to hear it back right? I didn't, what I got back was "I dont care your breathing" gee thanks, how about just kicking me one more time before you go play trains? Those words can not be taken back, nor can they be explained away. They are stuck in my head till the day I die. Will I trust anyone to have my heart again? FUCK NO! The only person on this earth that gets my love is my daughter, grand kids dont know me so they can't say they do or dont. I would hope they do but that's all I can do is hope.
The first year we were married I did the whole christmas decorating and present thing, what a mess. Mother in law couldn't get me anything since she was on a limited income, which was ok, but dummy said "go buy you something and put my name on it" well aint that special. The tree is packed away along with all the lights and stuff never to be taken out again. That was the first hint of what was to come, but I kept trying....guess I need to be smacked in the head for that.
That same year I threw a birthday party for him, got a really cute cake done at work. Back then I was a cashier at a local grocery store, oh my poor aching feet! So I got them to do the cake for me since I wasn't allowed to cook in Mrs. Hudson's kitchen. Her house, Her kitchen, Her bathroom....yup I tip toed around to not get in her way or heaven forbid move something on her. Blind folks are really touchy when you move something and dont tell them. I was telling her about the cake, has white icing, and the writing on it said "to be refilled 1000 times" it looked like a prescription! was very cute, till mother in law tried to read it....SMEAR! Oh well I tried. Dummy was pissed, said "why did you waste time and money on that?" Yup he made me cry again.
That was the last birthday we celebrated. He thinks if we dont mention them we dont get older?
That brings us to the one holiday that is celebrated, with my friend Earle (yes it's spelled right after him yelling at me for not putting the e on the end). He does Thanksgiving, and boy dont he ever. Turkey, dressing, rolls, salad and oh my god mac and cheese, I love him mac and cheese. And I told him so the first time he made it. I think that was before Lucinda, and after Karen. The guy treats me like we are family, can bring someone as long as I tell him before hand so he has enough food made. He is the brother I never had, I can call and tell him my troubles or yell at him my mower is broke and he come fix it. Hell I can call him and say hey my computer threw up again and he will fix that too. Only thing we are missing is blood, he's not related by blood but by his caring for me like a brother would, if I had one. So when he calls asking for me to help with something I'm there to help him. He makes the one day a year I'm at his house special, every year for the last 18 years he has done this, except one and that's only cuz he didn't have a place to cook.
The last year I made something special, and lord knows it was. I made a desk set for my dad. Had pen, letter opener and magnifying glass in it. Made with my hands out of ebony wood. Dad like them so much he threw them in the garbage. So no more of that ever again either.
I guess this kinda explains why I dont do holidays anymore. I'm not up for fighting and folks trying to out do each other. I'm just me, I dont have a ton of money but I do have a heart and seeing folks not happy because I didn't get them the latest gadget hurts. I did cookies one year, my feet were not happy with that. I used up every shoe box I could get my hands on and covered it with wrapping paper, had a few bring back the empty box saying they wanted a refill. Some were so happy I gave them something, something I made for them. And those disappointed folks just killed it for me. I did it that one year and never again. Personally I like gifts that mean something, not that you got the biggest wallet either. Homemade gifts mean you took time to think of me as someone that you felt something for, not love but like fondness.
So have a happy whatever day it is and please dont get me anything or it makes dummy look worse.
Well here it is a year later, nothing changed. Dummy still didn't say anything for any holiday.
Can this get more depressing?
I still play wizard twice a day, dont want my plants to die. And sometimes I play just cuz it's something to do that doesn't depress me. My life is pretty depressing. I dont go anywhere, mr pain in my ass has to go to the coffee shop everyday. Pardon me if I wanna do anything or go anywhere since it will NOT be in HIS plans. So explain how this is a partnership.... I do all the work and he dont do a damn thing but play trains and drink coffee and god damn dont he eat!
I made banana bread, he ate the whole damn loaf in one sitting! What the hell?
If I try to eat anything he watches me like I'm about to steal something. Why? The food is suppost to be for both, guess he's more important .....asswipe!
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